Badass McToughguy and the Quest to Make Every Letter of Every Word Capitalized

300 (2007)

Rating ... D (13)

300: The Simplified Script

Enter SPARTA, at least 100 years ago.


SENTRY #1
Hello and stay out of Sparta, for thou art not manly enough
for this manly empire. Also ... Masculinity contest! Whoever
can hold their voice for the longest is most manly!

SENTRY #1 and SENTRY #2
THIS IS SPAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAA--


Enter SPARTA's digital castle.


BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Welcome. I killed a tiger when I was like, five. Therefore,
I am king.

MAX BONAR
I designate myself manly narrator. It's possible I might
narrate almost every point anyone might possibly be
unclear about.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Also, freedom. I might namedrop this term four or five
times. It is not a faux-crafty attempt at political under-
tones.

MAX BONAR
(in booming narration)
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM! It is essential to a
SPARTAN's manliness.


A swaggering messenger enters.


ESTROGENIC COURIER
Submit to my king RUE PAUL or die from
his homosexual fury!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Your feminine cockswagger annoys the piss
out of me! We decline your offer, and please
tell me this course of action is madness so I
can kick you and your troop into this large
pit I conveniently had erected!

ESTROGENIC COURIER
Wha ... ? Why, this course of action is
blasphemy. It is ... madness!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
No ... It is SPAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

MAX BONAR
(in booming narration)
Note the phrase "This is SPAR-TAAAA."
Such a battle cry is essential to a SPARTAN's
manliness.

MAX BONAR (cont'd)
(in booming narration)
SPAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Wow, that will get really annoying.

MAX BONAR
Damn skippy.


BADASS McTOUGHGUY kicks ESTROGENIC
COURIER into a pit. SPARTA then goes to war.


MANNY NUFFORYU
Wait! SPARTA can't battle! We need the blessing
of the gods!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Humbug! Manly men don't follow rules. Though
I think I will climb the mountain to witness that
adolescent strip show. I kind of like young girls,
unlike my homosexual opponents, whom I will
destroy.

MAX BONAR
(in booming narration)
Adolescent girls! Such things are essential to a
SPARTAN's manliness!

BUSTY McTOPSHELF
Hurry back afterwards, my manly husband! The
movie requires more T+A!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Hmm. I think I shall. Then you can give me a
cheap signifier of our otherwise undeveloped
love, er, I mean, that necklace. A SPARTAN
man has no other use for such non-manly
trinkets, of course.
(looks around furtively)


SHIT happens. Persia attacks. A hunchbacked
LUSER approaches BADASS McTOUGHGUY.


STUPID GIMP
Let me fight! Please please please please--

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Sure. But first I need you to raise your shield
high to provide cover SPARTANS use combat
tactics and are thus manly it covers the neck
etc lame attempt at technical accuracy.

STUPID GIMP
(struggling)
... Urk!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Oh ... shit. You're crippled? Screw that.
SPARTA kills inadequate infants at birth.
Like Nazis. I dunno how they missed you.

STUPID GIMP
My parents fled the--

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Nobody cares. Shut the hell up, go away.

STUPID GIMP
Harumph! *wheeze* I shall betray Sparta
for this.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
(angrily)
What did you say?

STUPID GIMP
Uh, that I'm going to be an informer for
RUE PAUL?

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
(angrily)
You failed to capitalize SPARTA! Such an
offense is punishable by DEATH!

STUPID GIMP
You know what other country uses all caps?
USA! Hmmph! Political subtext etc!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Yeah, except Persia is the U.S. and we're
Iraq. Very, very loosely, and thus subtly
and intelligently.

STUPID GIMP
I don't believe you.
(leaves)

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Whatever.

DICK
General! Persia attacks!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
...

DICK
What?

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Is that really your name? ... DICK?

MAX BONAR
(in booming narration)
A manly name! It is essential to a SPARTAN's
manliness! Besides, all the good ones were
taken.

DICK
I can't read or write.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Fine. Let's just engage in some limp, post-
LotR battles and show Persia who's boss.

OMINOUS CHARACTER
General. Please remind me what this
whole thing is "about" and bring the
movie to a grinding halt ... Again.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Who're you?

MAN LEE
I'm MAN LEE.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Of course.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY (cont'd)
Also ...
(clears his throat)
*cough cough* FREEDOM *cough* Ahem.

MAN LEE
Okay, let's fight.


They DO. Also, Persians are pussies and
SPARTANs are manly, and all that that implies.


RUE PAUL
Hear me! I am RUE PAUL and I offer--

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
No.

RUE PAUL
But you haven't even heard the--

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
No.

RUE PAUL
Can I at least get some--

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
No.

RUE PAUL
Jesus!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Sorry. I can't agree with anyone, it isn't manly.

RUE PAUL
Fine! We shall just fight with historically-
inaccurate pomp and circumstance!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Sure. That's what we do best. Besides being
manly, of course.


(Fighting and shit. It would probably look more
interesting if SPARTANS used more than one
move.)

SPARTA kills everybody and suffers annoyingly
few casualties.


RUE PAUL
Goddammit this has to end!

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Fine. We'll just abandon our winning strategy
and all die at the same time in a blaze of manly
slaughter.

RUE PAUL
Sounds good.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Besides, even though we lose, we win. Our
ideals remain strong and we know what we
are fighting for. SPARTANS know real valor
and combat prowess, and above all contain
the requisite virility for combat. The fact
we were so manly makes us victors. This
property, which you do not possess, is the
ultimate in machismo. It is called the MASK
YOU LENT ME.

RUE PAUL
What? I don't get it.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
It is because you are not manly--

RUE PAUL
Yeah, I gathered that. Thanks for telling
me the subtext by the way.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
No problem. MAX BONAR?

MAX BONAR
(in booming narration)
YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS?
(looks embarrased)
Oh. Yes?

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
You suffered an eye injury, no?

MAX BONAR
Uh ... sure. Whatever.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
This particular wound makes it okay for
you to retreat without losing your man-
liness, and you will not resist this order.
Now, please take this crappy necklace
back to my femininely manly wife.

MAX BONAR
...
(looks puzzled)

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
It's a good thing. Trust me. Also, try to
rip off GLADIATOR as much as possible
in the process.

MAX BONAR
kthxbye.
(leaves)

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
Now us SPARTANS will DINE IN HELL!

RUE PAUL
(sighing)
I still don't get it.

STOCK SPARTANS
Hell, we don't even get that one.

BADASS McTOUGHGUY
That's because I'm so MAAAAAAAAAN-
LYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! This is SPAR-
TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(dies)

SPARTANS
SPAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(dies)


Enter CORNFIELDS.


MAX BONAR
(in booming narration)
Here's yoo-our necklace ... ... I'm yoo-our
neeeeeeeeeeeeigh-booooooooor.

BUSTY McTOPSHELF
I killed MANNY NUFFORYU! He was a
trait--

MAX BONAR
I don't give a shit. Women should be manly
too. Yes.

MAX BONAR (cont'd)
What will happen to SPAR-TAAAAAAAA?
(cue aerial cam shot)
We shall be victorious because we are manly
and now we will actually bother to send more
people! So in essence the sacrifice of the 300
did nothing because we were already so
convinced of our manliness!


Enter the digital castle gates.


SENTRY #1 and SENTRY #2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

SENTRY #1
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
(pauses)
Yes! I win. This is incontrovertible evidence
I am more manly than you.

SENTRY #2
... Shit.
(commits suicide)

UGLY SOOTHSAYER
Abra Cadaver!
(appears)
Thou sure art manly! You have proved your
virility and thus I offer you adolescent girls!

SENTRY #1
Sure, that sounds gross/good.

UGLY SOOTHSAYER
Then come with me. SPAR-TAAAAA shall
rise again in a confirmed SEEEEEEEEEQUEL!

SENTRY #1
Oh. Really? ... Shit.
(commits suicide)


THE FREAKIN' CAPITALIZED END